So this is how my day goes.
I woke up this morning at 06:45am to the devil’s music, also known as my phone alarm, lie there for a few minutes until I realize that no, I can’t stay there I have to go to work. I take a shower, look outside and think “oh good, shower round 2” as I see that it is pouring rain outside and I have to bike to work. Luckily my mom offers me a ride and drops me off with my bike and I pray to the weather gods it stops by the time I am done my shift.
I get to the grocery store and start working on cash at 07:45 and it rolls like any other morning shift. At 11:00 I get asked my favourite question “Hey, so-and-so called in sick, can you stay until 16:00.” Although I don’t want to I accept because I am their favourite cashier when I say yes to the million extra shifts I cover for them but feel like I’m going to be fired when I say no. So now my small 5 hour shift has become a nice round 8 hours.
It doesn’t end up being that big of a deal though, I get an extra break mixed in and things go fairly well. I am actually fairly high on energy and am enjoying myself for the first time in a while at my job. 16:00 finally hits and I get off my cash, but get held up for an extra ten minutes so my boss can audit my cash. Pick up groceries for my mom, get booze for myself and my friends to celebrate then end of the school year and bike home (thank the lord it stopped raining, although gale force winds were in my face).
Up until now, I am enjoying my day.
I get home and my mom is scrambling to get ready for an appointment. She tells me to make dinner so that when she comes running in from her appointment she can grab things and then go to a training thing she has for her job. On the outside I accept with mild distaste but on the inside I am pissed off.
I’m exhausted, put in extra effort for my co-workers, my friends, and my mom and now have to do more work. Yes, it is a mild request to do a thing that many people do on a regular basis, but it wasn’t something I budgeted energy for. I have limited amount of face that I can give the world, a limited amount of deviation from my ideal life schedule before I get frustrated and I had reached my limit.
You reading this are probably thinking “why the hell is this person whining so much? its just making dinner?” The thing is, I am wondering that too. I look at myself and think “what the heck is wrong with you? Get over it, your mom does this for you every day. Stop whining!”
Yet for some reason I am pissed off.
For some reason I am drinking alone in my kitchen and am writing this instead of making the food.
That is my mental illness. That is what I cannot get past.
So I finally set this up. Set up a place to dump thoughts and ideas I have, both on the subject of my feelings and frustrations as I “battle with depression” (though it feels more like a massacre than a battle) and on different subjects that I come across.
I came up with the idea probably over a year ago. It has taken me a while to actually get around to do it; one of the fun side effects: never getting around to doing things.
ON that note, I will attempt to start writing out my thoughts. I hope I can stick with it because I think it will be a good way to let off some steam for me.